How I'm Really Feeling

The truth is I've not been myself lately. A people person in solitude does not make for health. Part of the problem, I suspect, is this lovely medication cocktail I take is probably off. I know which culprit it is. However, I know enough not to make any adjustments without consulting my doctor, because this culprit has the ability to set me into a tailspin if I take it out of the mix immediately. It has happened before but now has robbed me of energy and motivation and I feel frail. This I will tell my psychiatrist when we meet in a couple of weeks. This I share with you so you'll call or write or come by to get me out. A friendly nudge not a lecture is what I need. This is my out reach. Girls just wanna have fun, especially this girl.

This is a second try on this medication. For many, it has been a miracle for drive and motivation. It is heavily advertised and psychiatrists are writing some positive case studies because of it. Consumers are raving but not this consumer. After an initial boost of energy, it's left me flat, anti-social and unmotivated. No desire except to write and some of you may have noticed, I'm not doing as much writing as I was. My body feels tense, all wound up, my heart fluttering and I feel numb all over. My focus is a bit scattered. I've taken up cigarette smoking, which I detest, and can not afford physically or financially to do. The consequences leave me perturbed. This is not a description of a depressive episode but of side effects of medication.  I've been feeling poorly for awhile now and that makes me damn unhappy.

I need a push, a nudge and a reason to get out of the house. This retreat has been too long and the beautiful weather is finally here. So is my birthday and I want to have fun. Not the forced kind, but the authentic kind. My mood naturally lifts in the company of others. I think this med actually accentuates loneliness in me. I imagine the loneliness in a marriage or partnership that is unfulfilled, must be the most tragic loneliness of them all. All this sickly isolation is coming to an end because busyness marks the preparation for a long Memorial Day weekend in Vermont. I'm going to visit with Nancy. There is no way I'll be alone or feel lonely with the crowd that's always around her. The only question is can I keep up with them?

Beibei is back from China and her daughter Vickie, whom I will finally meet, has graduated from her university. She is home briefly before she begins a fellowship. I can not wait to meet her. The only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter; Chinese style. Here is a Chinese matriarchy in a very patriarchal society. But most societies are patriarchal. Do you suppose that is part of the problem with the world?

Arriving for tea a couple of weeks ago was Paula. We sat and drank this exceptional Chinese Oolong tea brought home from Taipei by my 15 year old nephew when he went to China last month. The exorbitant gift he bought for me was an abundance of Oolong and Assam teas, specially grown on Taiwan. The black tin contains the Chinese Oolong tea and the red canister, for special guests, contains the Chinese Assam. I'm amassing quite a collection of real teas now. No more teabags for me. I've become addicted to the real thing. The Chinese Oolong is beyond delicious. We feel its healing effects immediately.

Paula and I have known each other since freshman year in college. Neither of us had a choice about where we would go to college. Our parents made those decisions for us because both of us were needed at home. We laugh and call ourselves the governess and the nanny. We had to make the most out of our college years by working to pay our own tuition and expenses, and by helping our working mothers chauffeur younger siblings to and fro. It is what it was, but that does not mean for a moment, that it is what we desired for ourselves. Paula amazes me with her intellectual recollections. I studied for the tests, period, letting my short-term memory and listening skills carry me through exams. Paula learned, absorbed and studied.. She has a prodigious memory and can bring out the lighthearted in me simply with her recollections. She is happily married which is saying something in this world, and is by far, the most level headed, grounded person with exceptional gifts, that I know. She is quite simply, amazing grace in action. I treasure our friendship.

We understand as educators, that any education is a good education. Ultimately, no one cares in the working world where you went to "finishing school". The only thing that matters is who and what you gain from those years. Congratulations to all of the graduates of the Class of 2010! You've made it. Best wishes to all the teachers and parents who made it possible! Smile, the eyes of God are upon you all.