Entitlement

I wrote this piece in July while events were fresh in my mind.

Every day there is an email from Paula waiting for me. On some days, I'm so tired from the group partial hospitalization program (PHP), that it takes all my effort to make dinner. But when I check my email, there it is, some inspiration or note from her. She is a lifeline of belief and hope. One who gets it. Paula knew I was in trouble, in despair, before I was willing to admit it to myself. There is just something cruel about being stoic. Whether it is a New England trait or one that I inherited from the Irish, I don't really know or care.

Stoic. "Of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citrian around 300 BC, who taught that wise people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity or natural law." Well, screw Zeno, whoever he was. His was probably an institution of depressives. Wisdom isn't a 21st century American value or achievement. Yet stoicism lingers in our culture.

Appearances can be deceiving. I isolate. I lose interest in writing. There is no joy or desire to participate in festivities. The mental gymnastics of going from point A to point B overwhelms. The idea of groups or crowds nauseating. Finally, the hopelessness and the seriousness of the situation strikes like lightening. 

For the first week in the hospital, I have one major goal, to be in a safe place to cry. I wait and participate as the case managers lead us through topic after topic. We're approaching the weekend and still no tears. When will I feel relief? Finally they come. Tears- wave upon waves in great heaves that could fill buckets. What finally did it? What cracked the protective shell? First it was being seen by Jane. In the movie 'Avatar',there is a statement of recognition, love and compassion, "You see me."  Being 'seen' touches my essence. Later the same day, I tap into anger. How? Someone in a meeting perceives me as "being entitled". That one really gets me. Entitled. Damn right. OCD. I wouldn't get the word out of my head all weekend.

Here's the thing about entitlement. It's either sourced out of low self-esteem or high self-esteem. I am entitled and so aren't you! Entitled to the highest quality medical care. Entitled to be treated with respect. Entitled to love and compassion. Entitled to be myself. Entitled to security. Yes, entitled.

During the sweltering drive home, powerful emotions boil over. My Irish is up! A cooling dip in the community pool refreshes my soul, restoring some balance. Being seen. Being entitled. Being embraced. Being with friends/loved ones whether via email, text, telephone, visits or an outing. These are all forms of kindness that eventually leads one out of hell on earth. Recovery from any illness is impossible to do alone. All praise and honor to those who do the work of the Lord and our Blessed Mother here on Earth. Gracias!